I am not in control.
I like to think I am and sometimes I feel like I am. But, the truth is, I am not.
Last week proved to be quite an emotional rollercoaster for me. The week started off on a high note. I was really excited to be traveling to Seattle to attend a photography conference and enjoy an extended getaway with my husband in a city we were excited to visit. During the course of the week our beloved Boston Terrier, Pandora, became ill. Three trips to the vet that week, a battery of tests and medications and she’s still sick and we have no answer.
The night before we were set to leave for Seattle I had an emotional breakdown. Truly, one that I could not explain at the time. I found myself lying on the floor sobbing hysterically with this overwhelming feeling that I was not to go on this trip. I really cannot remember the last time I had an overwhelming feeling like this. It was truly indescribable. I was very worried about our dog but it felt like so much more than that. I prayed to God to give me an answer, a sign, to tell me what I to do.
My sweet husband tried to rationalize with me that everything was going to be fine. He supported my decision, although I couldn’t explain it 100 percent. I went to bed that night knowing that I would not be getting on that plane in the morning.
Morning came and I felt horrible and had some regret about the decision I had made. It was too late. I did not pack, I had cancelled my hotel reservations, and there was no way to make it to the airport in time. I spent the better part of the morning and afternoon unmotivated and mulling around the house in a bit of a pity party.
The answer came.
At five o’clock that afternoon the phone call came. The words no one wants to hear on the other end. My aunt, my mom’s sister, who had been battling breast cancer, had passed away.
There it was. My answer.
He knew my mother would need me. He kept me home to be with her and the rest of my family.
The following day I flew to Chicago.
The funeral was beautiful and hard and emotional. It was a celebration and a remembering of my aunt’s beautiful life.
The day was very hard on my mom. That evening she was emotionally and physically drained and turned into bed early. Later that evening I went to check on her and found her sleeping with the most distressed breathing…she looked like she was struggling for air. I woke her up to get her out of it. She insisted she was fine.
The next morning I woke about 6 am and immediately went to check on her. When I got to the top of the stairs I found her sitting on the edge of my aunt’s bed incredibly short of breath. For those that don’t know, my mother is horribly stricken with rheumatoid arthritis and is almost completely wheelchair bound from the decay the hideous disease has caused on her body.
We dressed and rushed to the emergency department.
Initially, her blood work and physical exam had the ED physician concerned she might have a blood clot in her lung from the long travel. They whisked her away to the CT scanner to confirm the diagnosis.
The good news is there was no clot, the bad news was she had loads of fluid in her lungs that needed to be drained and would require hospitalization.
There we were together in a hospital far away from our home. She needed me and I was there. God had a plan for me that week and it wasn’t in Seattle.
I am not in control and I am ok with that.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not onto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path.” ~ Proverbs 3:5-6
Amy Odom is a Central Texas photographer with a love of capturing your life, emotion, and connections.